disneyjusticewarrior

As Hurricane Matthew is currently sweeping the Florida coast it is affecting “Walt” Disney World park guests and no one else. Disney right now had a chance to step up and offer delicious free meals like the steak and swordfish Universal is reportedly offering their guests, but in Iger’s America, they have chosen to deliberately harm and mock those stranded at “Walt” Disney World. Being at a “Walt” Disney World resort is a cruel punishment on even the best days, but now as the worst tropical storm in world history is laying waste to most of Florida, people are forced to live in gulag conditions.

In addition to their regular hot meals and all the food that currently exists at “W”DW resorts, Disney is offering a “lunch box” for $13 that contains like a sandwich and some candy and an apple and pretzels and stuff, which is basically what you’d be forced to plug down your gullet in a maximum security prison but pay less for there. Reportedly, even though the hot food is still readily available, Disney is actually physically forcing these stranded refugees to purchase and consume these box lunches. While we have no confirmation, we believe that Iger is personally seeing to it that fathers, mothers, and tiny babies are being subjected to these barbaric mockeries of humanity.

Bob “Misery Profiteer” Iger will have his reckoning in this life or the next. Please sign the petition to get him deported, and also in the notes section make sure you include how the Tower of Terror closure has triggered and/or damaged you.

While we have been busy protesting literally everything about Shanghai Disney Mainland, Bob “WaltHater” Iger decided to open up the Town Center in the newly named Disney Springs.  Everything about this is a travesty on all conceivable levels.  First of all, a lot of these so-called “shops” exist for no reason than for people to buy things in! One this makes no sense, and two, nobody in the world wants this.  I can MAYBE see how international tourists might like this, but locals are going to hate everything about it.

And second of all, there’s food they are serving that literally no one in the universe will eat. Why is there a place called D-Luxe burger if I can get a McDonald’s cheeseburger for pennies?  They used to HAVE a McDonald’s on property and then Iger came in and did away with that particular piece of magic.  There’s a place called Sprinkles that serves cupcakes?  Just cupcakes.  What a swing and a miss, Disney.  We’ve been choking down your cupcakes for years and now you think just because you make an ATM (none of those letters actually stands for “cupcake,” did you notice that?) you think people will flock to you?  Think again.

Remember the good old days of Pleasure Island?  You could walk around during the day before the nightclubs opened and actually look at buildings and imagine what the nightlife would be.  That was a REAL experience, unlike now.  Going into stores and eating is something people used to do in theme parks.  Besides, they’ve gone and ruined how the old Marketplace used to look.  Marketplace was such a beautiful, unique, once-in-a-lifetime living experience.  Now, with this eyesore smack in the middle of everything, you can’t even go to the Marketplace without trying not to throw up and cry at the same time.

As near as I can figure, Bob Iger created this mess specifically because he hates Disney guests.  I can sort of see how locals would like this, but international tourists are going to HATE this.  They come to “Walt” Disney World looking for Disney, and because Iger has pressured them out of the parks with their utter lack of anything Disney, in desperation they come to Disney Springs. It HAS Disney in the name after all, and yet once they get there, every one of their dreams is going to die. No one cares about poutine, and nobody likes shops.  If the whole area isn’t 100% dead by mid-June, I will be SHOCKED.

THIS IS A BRIDGE TO HELL BOB IGER

Well we knew it was too good to last.

A few days ago, word came down from on high that TDO (aka Team Disney Orlando aka The Doom Organization) had decided that they weren’t content to ruin “Walt” Disney World and Disneyland, but now they had set their sites on the global ruination of Walter Elias Disney’s good name.  By now everyone has visited Japanese Disneyland and Japanese Disneyland Sea (if you haven’t, go tomorrow or this weekend) and it’s a good thing. He Who Shall Bob Be Named is about to spray liquid garbage over everything because he hates True Fans and anything good.

The universally beloved StormRider Simulator Experience is now going to become a Finding Nemo ride, and no before you ask, it’s not the Nemo that everyone likes.  It seems as if all of our protests have gone unheralded because I(P)ger will not stop adding Pixar elements to our beloved Disney parks.  I guess some people like Pixar but is it really worth destroying the dreams of every young child in the United States who will choose to go to Japanese Disneyland instead of “Walt” Disney World next year?

Not to mention the fact that there will apparently be a Big Hero 6 ride, which doesn’t fit in with any theme the park has. That movie was set in a FICTIONAL city and now they’re trying to put it in a REAL place? Does that make ANY sense?  The sheer awfulness of this decision will be enough to distract every guest from even thinking about Mount Prometheus. We predict that every guest that wanders into this park expecting the usual Japanese Disney perfection will literally start vomiting when they set their eyes on this “attraction” and will stumble out of the park crying.

Then, and no this is NOT a joke, TDO has seen fit to force the worst and most hated attraction ever, Soaring, into Japanese Disneyland Sea. Does anyone still ride Soaring?  We have it on good authority that because no one visits EPCOT Centre any longer (it’s been a ghost town since they got rid of Lawrence Dobkin’s Spaceship Earth narration – True Guests know that only strict adherence to originalism will do), Soaring is a garbage ride that only trash people ride. The worst thing is that they are too dumb to realize how terrible it is.  It’s like how the locals near Japanese Disneyland have literally no idea there’s a park there, and it’s up to us to direct them there and make sure they understand how wrong they are.

Well, at least for a little while. Soon, everything that has made the Japanese Disneyland Parks the best thing humans have ever created will be systematically destroyed forever.  Go now while there’s still time to get ahead of The Wrath of Bob.

HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT BOB IGER

 

 

The reason there’s been a gap in writing my blog is because I was recently went to Japanese Disneyland and it was even better than the day I spent at Cafe Orleans tweeting viscious remarks about Dapper Day.  Here are some things to know about Japanese Disneyland:

1. It is the only place in the world that matters
2. if you didn’t already hate Disneyland because it is a shambling atrocity with a nametag of Walt hanging around its neck as it gibbers incomprehensibilities, devouring joy and defecating money, well, you will hate it now.

The price breakdown is easy: if you can afford to go to Disneyland for one half-day without Park Hopper™ (which, by the way, why would you need a Park Hopper™ when Disneyland Park is the only Disney theme park in California and to pretend otherwise is to admit that America’s Worst Mistake Besides Bob Iger Having Power actually exists), you can afford to go to Japanese Disneyland.  Flights are negligible and barely worth writing about, staying in Tokyo is about as expensive as a buying your customary three or four daily Matterhorn Macaroons, and they basically pay you to go to the parks.  Sincerely, if you can walk down South Harbor and see Space Mountain in the distance, you can afford to go to Tokyo.

The only people who don’t go to Japanese Disneyland are the people who Truly Don’t Get It.  Japanese Disneyland and Japanese Disneyland Sea are the only worthwhile parks in the world. Every second of the day you are there (and you will go, because it would be an abuse of privilege to NOT go), you will wonder aloud to people whether this is really a theme park. The only problem is that the locals are among those who Truly Don’t Get It, so when I was there I had to explain to them how good the park was more than once. A few told me they were going to go to “Walt” Disney World later in the year, and that is the sign you really can’t trust someone. Anyone who would willingly visit Four Parks One Waste if they were NOT on a journey to see how much vomit a human can produce while just looking at terrible things is lying to themselves and everyone.

In conclusion: if you have the weekend open, you should use it to go to Tokyo for a few days and truly understand why Disneyland is even more of a straight-up hellscape than we thought.

THIS IS ONE OF 8 BILLION THINGS THAT ARE BETTER IN TOKO

As a people, Concerned Fans of Disneyland have been sitting back and watching, aghast, as Bob “Joy Destroyer” Iger and his Business School Cronies dismantle the little park Walt built for his daughters.  The $iren call of the almighty dollar has been too great for I(P)ger to ignore, and so instead of maintaining the park exactly as Walt left it upon his tragic death, he has worked hard to systematically ruin everything that made the park Worthy of Walt.

Perhaps it is too late for current-day fans to do anything to stop the slide into certain oblivion.  Maybe the best we can do is tell our future children about The Park That Was, so that they can know how precious dreams once were.

Dear Children of the Future: as you stroll up the decimated ruins of Main Street USA, pay careful attention to the porch and the painted blue shopfront with the white trim. “People seem to enjoy sitting on the porch and talking,” you say with a naive smile.

“Ah, but that used to be the Intimate Apparel Shop, featuring the Wizard of Bras!” we tell you, and the sparkle lights in your eyes.

“But if it used to be there, why is it not there any longer?” This is how every normal child speaks.

“Corporate greed and synergy, probably,” we admonish, wanting to spit with the injustice.

We speed right by the Starbucks Brand Coffee Shop which has no place in Walt Disney’s pristine dream version of his beloved Marceline because back then no one had to kowtow to corporate interests at the turn of the twentieth century. Take note of actual restaurants that Walt loved like Carnation Cafe and Coke Corner – real, American institutions.

From here, we COULD head into Tomorrowland, but guess what? The main attraction there is Space “Mountain,” which was not only constructed eleven years after Uncle Walt’s death, but is also not a mountain, AND is a clone from “Walt” Disney World. It quite literally makes no sense. Some people seem to enjoy it but those people are wrong.

“What was there before the infernal mountain,” you ask us.

We sigh and dream of seeing through Walt’s eyes.  “Nothing. And that nothing was beautiful.” We keep having dreams about the parking lot, and how wonderful it was to walk all that way seeing Disneyland in the distance, one day imagining that we might run there as a grownup from that very same parking lot. Alas, now there is another park there which is a Disney park in name only. They spent $17 billion to refurbish it and what did they do? Built a cartoony trolley that is in no way historically accurate and demolished a tower ride. Current day Disney only knows how to take away.

We head back to Frontierland and stop and literally weep at all the “construction.”

“Are you crying because they are destroying Walt’s True Vision?” you ask, and we nod slowly.

“Yes, they are building a star war land back here and destroying Walt’s memory to do it.”

You look in disgust at the decimated remains of the river. “But nobody even likes Star Wars. Everyone likes Harry Potter, which is why Universal will win in this war of theme parks. Not to mention the fact that Harry Potter is less an IP and more a state of mind, so it’s much better that they put a single IP land in Universal, because they’ve done it before with Seuss Land, and besides Universal has always been a different type of park so they can do anything they want really and it’s okay.”

What wise words from someone so young, we think.

We cannot bear to even glimpse at New Orleans Square, which is unfathomably painful. In fact, we can’t bear to visit the rest of the park – the abomination that is Toontown, the fact that they’ve completed the construction inside the Matterhorn (Walt left plywood showing for his own reasons and it is abhorrent to think anyone but him knows best), a million more microaggressions.  Literally everywhere you turn, children, you will see Walt being erased – not passively but actively. Current Disney wants you to hate Walt Disney, not just forget him but hate him, because of how much Disney hates its guests.

Do you hear the clarion call, children? What you see before you is nothing but a decimated wasteland and a nightmare some might call apocalyptic. You ask only one more question:

“But who is Walt Disney?”

Exactly, children. Exactly.

A “MOUNTAIN” OR A SLAP IN THE FACE YOU DECIDE

 

As we sit and reflect on how well Disney is doing in 2016 – in particular how good they’re treating guests and cast members – we must reflect on the somber yet thrilling words of Walt: “Eventually, I would like to see an amusement enterprise to be built overseas, in China, a place I have always loved and would like to build theme parks there.”

Indeed, Walt’s stirring words are currently coming to fruition, as everything in Shanghai is going on schedule and with no ill effects to any other park. Certainly every Disney fan can agree that Shanghai is doing nothing but helping the US theme parks.  Profits are up everywhere and Shanghai is spearheading the revitalization movement worldwide.  Here are some really amazing things that are happening because Shanghai is great and fantastic:

• All the parades and shows are running at peak efficiency
• The transportation hub in star war land is definitely happening
• The cast at the Pixar Play parade is NOT being ordered off property, forced to find work at local fast-food eateries or, who knows, selling ketamine on the streets because there’s a false narrative about “Food & Wine” coming back to DCA and having booths along the parade route which they DIDN’T DO before but are now doing because Shanghai is singlehandedly sucking profits away from all US and French parks and probably Tokyo too
• Themed desserts are better than ever!

As you can see, Disney is doing everything right and has never been better. We can’t wait for the new Frozen ride and Toy Story Land and Mad T Party! Everything is the best!

Practically perfect in every way.

We’ve all heard the facts now: Nintendoland, scheduled to open at Universal Studios Florida either late this year or early next (some early reports have indicated that the Mario Kart ride is nearly complete, and the sprawling, fully immersive Hyrule World has begun in earnest), is going to be delayed indefinitely now. While some are calling for Universal to explain the reasoning behind this, the truth is pretty evident: Disney has grown bored with destroying their own parks and have moved on to destroy others.

Think about it for a second: according to all reports, Shanghai Disneyland is at least $2-3 billion over budget. The entire Asian theme park market is struggling because of this, which is probably why Japanese Disneyland is no longer getting the Frozen land (which, let’s be honest, no one wanted anyway), and why Universal Japan is so desperate to recoup the money Disney is bleeding out of the Asian market. That’s why Nintendoland will be opening in Kyoto years before the US parks ever get to open anything.

Speaking of money “silos” (a term meaning the way money is distributed among the theme park world), we can’t ignore the detrimental effect that MyMagic”Plus” has had on the theme park industry at large.  By trying to force an infrastructure change no one ever needed or wanted (smacking of FrozenLand at Epcot, or Toy Story Land at DHS – the worst idea this country has ever had), Disney has drained Florida’s theme park resources so much so that building new lands just isn’t possible at the rate Universal has always, always delivered. MM”+” has not only slowed down stupid lands like AvatarPlace that are hated because they’re stupid, but also New Fantasyland (which, let’s face it, has turned out to be a failure on every single level) and even Star Wars Land, which won’t open until 2033.  The only reason Florida was able to make Diagon Ally (and the best themed ride of all time, Gringotts Escape!) happen at all is because J.K. Rowling gave Universal some of her own money to do it.

The best solution to all this, really, is to sit in a quiet room in your parents’ home or wherever you live, and close your eyes and dream of the best version of a theme park world.  You can think of the old parking lot at Disneyland or what might happen if Disney’s global stranglehold on themed entertainment and joy were not so pervasive, and you can do it without the word SUCKER tattood on your forehead.  Sure, you might spot Walt Disney’s ghost strolling through Disneyland and weeping, but what a small price to pay to dream-visit your favorite theme parks, without any interference from the terrible, terrible real world.

Disney is ruining your childhood.

Despite the best efforts of Concerned Guests – a flurry of at least four, maybe five phone calls to Bob “DroughtLover” Iger – Disneyland has gone ahead and begun draining our beloved and irreplaceable Rivers of America this very day. Until this very afternoon, we were certain that our protests on blogs, Twitter, and in-person demonstrations of taking pictures in front of the Rivers and looking sad, would certainly reverse Disney’s decision to permanently and completely destroy the Rivers forever. Unfortunately, like our eleventh-hour flocking to the Aladdin show at DCA didn’t dissuade the uncaring Disney from plopping a hastily constructed Frozen “show” in there – our complaints are reaching deaf ears now.  It’s yet another nail in the coffin of Walt’s True Disneyland that began the day after He passed and the company chose to ruin his Divine Legacy every single day.

The fact that no-one wants star war land in any park is appallingly obvious. When you have a pristine and perfect land like The Harry Potter Experience just up the road is proof of that. We’ve heard rumblings about sightline issues, but frankly, we just haven’t seen them. If there are any “office buildings” you can see from the gorgeous and fully immersive queue, it’s fun to pretend those are just other Wizarding schools, like the kinds recently revealed by J.K. Rowling just recently. Whereas star war land will probably not have any immersive environments or immersive foods or immersive screens, which is a real shame. When Walt created The Dole Whip, he knew it was because tropical birds liked pineapple soft-serve, which is why the Dole Whip Booth fits in so well at Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room. What kind of foods are we going to have at star war? Probably nothing Wookiees eat, that’s for sure.

All in all, this is a terrible day for everyone who has ever loved Disneyland. After draining the entirety of the Rivers of America, who’s to say they won’t just start bulldozing the whole land and make the Mark Twain and the Columbia just on-the-ground props to look at and remember the times when your uncle took you there when you were three and everything was safe? Nothing is safe anymore.

The annual shareholder meeting occurred yesterday and Disney fans everywhere are of course furious. Bob “Dreamsplitter” Iger roundly dismissed all the most important questions on the minds of all Interested Guests guests everywhere, proving he is indeed not fit for command and must be immediately impeached as president of Disney.

One whimsical guest entertained the crowd with gloriously invented words like “sock-knockers” and “bugwalky,” in the way that Uncle Walt created everyday terms like “automagic,” “utilidors,” and “fastpass.”  Iger was as dismissive of this as he was about the very important questions as to whether Harley-Davidson motorcycles are used in Marvel films (important because there is a character called Harley Quinn in the CD universe, and mixing brands like this is disastrous; Iger once again simply ignored these obvious implications).

Iger also announced the company was also building two new ships; he is likely building them personally, because they’re coming out in 2021 and 2023, two far-flung years so far in the future that it is impossible to even calculate how many years it will take to see these ships.  While Universal is building new rides and sumptuous hotels in anywhere from three weeks to two months, Disney is busy pretending to make cruise ships by saying they will arrive in made-up years and pretending no one notices. Bad show indeed, Disney.

There was some lip service paid to preserving Walt’s Chicago house; this is a direct backpedaling from the company, which already knows it made a mistake in destroying Walt Disney’s Rivers of America, the great man’s true legacy. Disney listened to blogs like this and also Twitter and knows that its True Fans are outraged by every decision the company makes nowadays. If it thought we wouldn’t find a way to be angry at the decision to preserve Walt’s Chicago house, it was sorely mistaken. Hasn’t Walt had other homes? Kansas City, even?  What about the train he and Aunt Lilian took out to California? Is THAT being preserved? Has Disney even attempted to buy Walt’s childhood paper route and hired people to run it? No, they have not. It’s these half-efforts of Bob Iger and company that leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, and we won’t stand for it.

This was a shareholder meeting in name only. Bob Iger should be ashamed of himself.

 

 

For many True Fans of Disney parks, the day Disney announced the massive and unfair price hikes in October was not only the worst day in our lives, but it was also the end of an era. Every annual passholder in existence vowed on that day to never buy another AP. The price for going every single day to both parks was now over $1000, and though we never went in the weeks between Christmas and New Year’s because the parks were too crowded (another Bob “RiverKiller” Iger innovation), it is of course the principal of the thing. As everyone knows, Walt didn’t care about money and it remains so confusing as to why the current dollargarchy doesn’t heed Walt’s True Wishes.  Well, Disney will soon learn what happens when you don’t pander to your most adoring audience, especially an audience who has made it a personal mission to explore why and how you’ve gone so horribly wrong in the years since Walt’s passing.

Soon, Real Disneyland Visitors who have purchased APs every year of their lives will see their current pass run out, and will not renew. As Expiration Day draws nigh, it becomes our duty to let Disney know exactly what they’re missing, as legions of its most ardent fans take off to spend the year enjoying the nine amazing rides at Universal Studios Hollywood or the Fun Bun at Knott’s Berry Farm (an integral part of theme park history, unlike the rampant anal leakage Disney keeps failing to impress us with; do they really think that simply not bulldozing all of the Rivers of America would trick us?)

Some Informed Guests have already taken to social media, as we all should, and begun taking pictures of themselves in front of Sleeping Beauty Castle, statues, and attractions that existed in Walt’s Day, to really show Disney how it has jilted us.  It’s only a matter of time until Disneyland (and, to a lesser extent, Disney World … which, let’s face it, is really just for tourists anyway and no one really buys annual passes for that Very Troubled place that no Real Fan likes at all and would never visit) realizes its massive blunder and starts to do, like, deep discounts for its biggest fans. They have the infrastructure to know exactly how many of us AP holders have been coming since birth and they can woo us back if they really want to. Let’s see if Disney really loves its fans as much as they say they do and aren’t just spewing the “Company Line” – beg us to come back, Disney, and we might reconsider it. MIGHT.

CUT THIS UP IMMEDIATELY AND MAKE DISNEY SO JEALOUS.