The reason there’s been a gap in writing my blog is because I was recently went to Japanese Disneyland and it was even better than the day I spent at Cafe Orleans tweeting viscious remarks about Dapper Day. Here are some things to know about Japanese Disneyland:
- It is the only place in the world that matters
- if you didn’t already hate Disneyland because it is a shambling atrocity with a nametag of Walt hanging around its neck as it gibbers incomprehensibilities, devouring joy and defecating money, well, you will hate it now.
The price breakdown is easy: if you can afford to go to Disneyland for one half-day without Park Hopper™ (which, by the way, why would you need a Park Hopper™ when Disneyland Park is the only Disney theme park in California and to pretend otherwise is to admit that America’s Worst Mistake Besides Bob Iger Having Power actually exists), you can afford to go to Japanese Disneyland. Flights are negligible and barely worth writing about, staying in Tokyo is about as expensive as a buying your customary three or four daily Matterhorn Macaroons, and they basically pay you to go to the parks. Sincerely, if you can walk down South Harbor and see Space Mountain in the distance, you can afford to go to Tokyo.
The only people who don’t go to Japanese Disneyland are the people who Truly Don’t Get It. Japanese Disneyland and Japanese Disneyland Sea are the only worthwhile parks in the world. Every second of the day you are there (and you will go, because it would be an abuse of privilege to NOT go), you will wonder aloud to people whether this is really a theme park. The only problem is that the locals are among those who Truly Don’t Get It, so when I was there I had to explain to them how good the park was more than once. A few told me they were going to go to “Walt” Disney World later in the year, and that is the sign you really can’t trust someone. Anyone who would willingly visit Four Parks One Waste if they were NOT on a journey to see how much vomit a human can produce while just looking at terrible things is lying to themselves and everyone.
In conclusion: if you have the weekend open, you should use it to go to Tokyo for a few days and truly understand why Disneyland is even more of a straight-up hellscape than we thought.
THIS IS ONE OF 8 BILLION THINGS THAT ARE BETTER IN TOKO